tomorrow

[warning: this is a complete stream of consciousness post]

tomorrow-begins the first day of a new chapter in the history of our school. to our kids, nothing is the same, the principal is different, the deans are different and even the hallways that were once theirs– are different.
all with the hopes that if things are different enough– maybe things will actually CHANGE.
but to create change, we must invest people in change. and this, just might be the hardest part of it all.
i have spent the last month preparing for what occurred last week, only to realize that no amount of preparation could prepare us to battle old habits, old assumptions and mistrust. you can’t begin to rebuild a relationship of trust by saying “trust me” and unfortunately we cannot prove our trustworthiness until the kids are in the building.
in the upcoming week teachers are looking to see if everything that we have said for the last week has been true, if everything we have said will be followed up on truly is. whether what we say is what we mean or just a suggestion of what should have been.
in the world of teachers– teaching the teachers is by far the most difficult task. it is much harder to dismantle the walls an adult has built than that of a child and each time we’ve taken a little down, someone else has questioned and put it back up. everything is riding on how the upcoming weeks run– not only will our teachers establish themselves as trustworthy/unstrustworthy in the eyes of our students and WE must establish ourselves as trustworthy in the eyes of our teachers.
tomorrow truly is the beginning, of the rest of our lives.

welcome class of 2021. we have greatly anticipated your arrival.
- your Dean of Students

what color did you choose today?

In my experience in working in schools that serve Black and Brown children, you run across the occasional white teacher that always tries to act “down” to be in with her students– this is my piece letting them know… it doesn’t work.

 

What color did you choose today?
Looked at your box of flesh colored crayons
Chose the one that would help you get by
put it on as you dressed for school
Exercised your ability to be
any color other than not
you are the one color that provides choice
choice our students will never have
Judged well before they reach that interview chair
always needing to prove their worth before respect is gained
needing to deal with a condescending air that you will never experience
but you conveniently choose to be someone
other than yourself
How can you teach a child to accept themselves when you can’t do the same?
How convenient it is for you to choose your color when it best suits you
the color of best fit for your day
Today- the color of privilege
Tomorrow- the color that makes you “down” with your students
Slipping into a fake vernacular when needed
Thinking they will accept you
For your tongue
Not realizing that if there is one thing a child does know
Its the truth
And our children don’t need another liar in their lives

STAND and deliver

Our school is going through a number of changes that has (as change does in ANY child’s life) truly rocked the world of our students. In their own attempts to tell the powers that be that their not happy they staged a protest– showed up to school out of uniform and instead wore Black, red and green. 

For Desmon, Shantae, Jamani, Victoria, Chelsea, Danielle, Khaliq, Azhane, Nicholas, Ronnick, Michael, Clayton, Travis, K’lah and the class of 2018

They said:

“We wear Black for the color of our skin
Green for the land of our ancestors
And red for the common blood that bonds us”

They didn’t quite understand the meaning of power
Didn’t realize how much strength THEY had just displayed
A solidarity that helped them realize the power of their own voices

They had known that they were doing something big
They needed to show someone that they weren’t happy
didn’t know exactly what they were doing
Or who they were showing
But they knew they HAD to do something
And with the power of the revolution that WE instilled

 
They delivered.
Made plans to tell their peers
Decided the colors to wear
and delivered the message
spent the night
spreading the word

Wear Black for the color of your skin
Green for the land of our ancestors
And red for the common blood that bonds us

Their following was deep
But their conviction wavered
So many of them too fearful of consequence
Too young to fully understand the power of what would be done

the next morning
20 of them stood stronger than ever
Despite their hesitance
Despite their fear
They stood up
For what they believed in
 
They were alienated for being strong
Pulled to the side and kept out of sight for such
“a blatant display of defiance”
Many of their parents found out for the first time
When they were forced
To make that phone call 

WE were proud of them but others were not
 

A school divided on the very lines that separate privilege from color
One side standing strong with the very children they served
The other feared what could come
Afraid that children so small
Could find a power so strong
Afraid of what might happen if they were
Set free
Characterized them as animals needing to be tamed
Kept at bay
“volatile” youth needing to be censored
youth we could not “rile” up with our words of power

Take away their education to appease YOUR soul
What IF they stand up for what they believe in
What IF they find their voice
What IF they say something that makes YOU feel uncomfortable
Do we teach them strength or is YOUR intention to teach them
Compliance
Assimilation
And what it means to be oppressed
Do it MY way or you’ll pay
EDUCATE them and you will suffer
TEACH them and I will do everything in MY power to
Stop you
Adults knowing that this fight was so much bigger than our small school
Reached far beyond our four walls
And in brief fleeting moments, stood proud
with our children

Who wore Black for the color of their skin
Green for the land of their ancestors
And red for the common blood that bonds us

mind the “GAP”

A recent article in the NY Times critiquing the efficacy of the NCLB in closing the “Achievement Gap” ended by pointing out that academic gains for communities of color in the 70s and 80s were much steeper than the gains we see today– except it wasn’t being called the “achievement gap” it was simply about providing resources and access to those most in need. Over the last few years, I’ve found myself cringing at the word “Achievement Gap” and found myself unable to pinpoint the exact reasoning for my reaction. The simple explanation? It has become the rallying call for a generation of over-idealized youth to get to action to “save the poor children”. The result? Teachers in schools for all the wrong reasons.

As a college student “closing the achievement gap” was sold to me as “being a part of the movement” — the movement to close this “gap” the “civil rights issue of our time” and, being the movement maker that I was— I hopped right on board. I didn’t realize what I was signing up for, I THOUGHT I had signed on to work with a group of like-minded individuals who were there for the same root causes– to work with children and make a difference in this twisted system we call education in the United States. I was wrong. I found that the rallying cry of the “ACHIEVEMENT GAP!” meant something completely different to me than it meant to the hundreds of others that joined me. These were people who signed up to “pad their resume” or to “do some good” (but just for 2 years) or the person who felt that they could save our children by committing to a two year agreement in the classrooms of the “nation’s roughest neighborhoods” or simply just to buy some time between college and— their REAL job.

As I came to these realizations I found my own ideals slowly disintegrating– how was it possible that people who felt that a curriculum for teachers that skirted around issues of race in the classroom was unnecessary (rather than being outraged that the curriculum was so poorly developed) were about to teach in a classroom where THEIR own race would be apparent to their students the MINUTE they walked through those classroom doors? After an eye-opening summer, my new rallying cry was “as soon as I get through this ‘teacher bootcamp’ I am fully employed by the DOE and I owe nothing to this organization!” After two years I realized that the small school in the Bronx that I worked in was lead by someone who would never have the vision or leadership to move the school towards the direction of change it so needed. 

The second rallying call I heard was once again an organization devoted to closing this ominous “GAP” and I thought I had found heaven. I thought this was it– this was the place I thought I’d find when I first walked through those doors at institute 2 years earlier and I was excited to once again do the work that needed to be done. While it took longer than the few days it took me years before, I slowly began to realize that the people here were no different. They too heard the rallying cry of closing the “Achievement Gap” but they too heard it in a different way. Rather than making it all about the kids it had become all about the numbers — and all about the “face” of the organization itself. If we were successful in our own schools, THEY were successful as an organization and they would do anything in their power to make it happen. I quickly realized that it wasn’t about the very kids they claimed to serve. 

To say that an “achievement gap” exists trivializes the real issues at hand. To chalk it all up to some gap makes it seem less important– the word itself making it seem empty and unable to be fixed. When visualizing the “achievement gap” I had always imagined a putty-like gap where the two sides were pushed together to finally meet in the middle. In fact it is much more difficult to close this gap than many believe it to be. When we talk about “holding teachers accountable” what do we really mean? It doesn’t mean that a school that produces great little test takers is a school that is working to effectively close this gap. After all, we could stuff the gap with straw but the gap would still remain– bits of sand would still fall through the cracks.

To truly close this gap we must examine both sides of the hole and asses what is needed to seal the hole itself– but this takes a specially trained eye. Truly closing this gap in achievement takes a specially trained person to do the job– all educators must be activists at heart– only then will we truly begin to see the walls of this gap closing in. Educators as activists are people who can see that a school is under-resourced and fight for it, see that curriculum is flawed and change it, see that it’s not just about student’s test score but about who they are as a person.  It’s undeniable that it takes work to say “I’m closing the Achievement Gap because I brought 80% of my students from a 1 to a 2 my first year and from a 2 to a 3 my second year” However, it takes a completely different kind of work to say “I realized that my students didn’t have access to the health care they needed to stay healthy and in school so I found one for them. I realized that my students weren’t learning from the scripted curriculum that my school gave me so I wrote my own” and finally, “I realized that my purpose as an educator was to inspire my students to become the best versions of themselves and their communities”. 

As educators, we MUST be our student’s biggest advocates to want more for them than we would want for ourselves. To only want their test scores to improve is not and cannot be enough. This “gap” is so much more than what we make it out to be– so while you “mind the gap” I’ll focus on the finding good teachers to teach our kids.

true power

What if

They call a fair fight?

Fifty against one could never be fair

The rules of the street are never

that clear

One false move and the one person you were supposed to fight “fair” with

Becomes 50

 

“But Ms. Tang

We fought fair with them before

They fought Jayden then Jacob

And…”

 

Without our knowing

They had created their own little turf war within the 5 block radius of our school

Kids forced to act “harder” than they were

Stronger than they were

To prove

that they were

Men and they “owned” this block

 

We didn’t know that each time they came back to us

With bloodied noses

Busted lips and broken pride

they were fighting for their right to exist

between Myrtle and Park

to walk home down Kent

and pass safely by Willoughby

each time they returned

to the safe haven we had created

for some hope of refuge

to feel protected

to feel that they had someone to tell and not snitch

to find shelter in our arms and comfort in the concern on our faces

young boys who still cried when it hurt

young boys who came back to heal their young adolescent wounds

 

Each time

We asked what happened

Listened to their stories

Felt wounded with them

And each time

We told them

That this wasn’t it

We weren’t telling them to become the victim but we told them that

Sometimes

You’re the bigger man

If you know when to walk away

 

we can’t go out there and fight your fight for you

even though our hearts wanted to run out and find them

we can’t protect you forever

even though we wanted to never let you go

Words we spoke covered the thoughts

Of wanting to protect your innocence – wanting to take to the streets with you and find the boys who did this to you

tell them to stop hurting our boys

tell THEIR young faces that there would be many fights in their lives and this fight

wasn’t worth it

 

Wanting to shield you from the reality past your 4 pm dismissal

Make something better outside of these walls so you wouldn’t have to worry.

Thought that

As long as you were in our care

We could protect you

Feed your soul

Shelter your hearts

And fill your minds with the knowledge that you were meant to be

more than you could have ever imagined

 

And while we taught you this

the street entered the one place you were supposed to feel safe

feel protected

five floors up we opened the doors of knowledge

while they opened the doors of the building and breached the sanctity of our small protective shield

Showed up at 2:30

50 waiting outside

5 walking right in through open doors

Looking for you

asking your classmates what time

You would be dismissed

Our children

Our babies

The ones we lived, ate and breathed for

The young minds who just 1 hour earlier

Sat silently as I read the words of Suheir Hummad

the very class that I couldn’t keep completely silent

listened intently

without a single word

The only sound the occasional utterance of “ase!” “I agree”

When I finished

One boy raised his hand

And, in his not yet 12 almost 13 awkward voice said

“Ms. Tang!

This line

This line right here

Tha- that’s deep!”

The one who moved and drummed even when there was no music added

Ms. Tang this—that right there… I know it’s not the MOST powerful line

But

To me

That’s powerful

The power of the word stronger than any fist you might meet

The power we hope to teach

the power we want you to keep

teach you to know

The difference between the power of the fist and the true power of

knowing better

rising above

fighting only for what you believe in

The power of choosing your battles and knowing that your ambition will overcome any fist that comes your way

 

42 chased off the block

But 8 remained

Refusing to back down in the face of a man twice their size

Flinging insults and phrases that proved that they weren’t scared, proved that they were HERE

for you

Kicked and yelled “get off me son!” as they were forced to sit down

Forced to

Call their parents

‘Cuse they were boys just like ours

Boys with no wisdom beyond the idea that

To fight

Was to be a man

And they had something to prove

And as we gathered our boys before dismissal

Made them aware of the danger they narrowly escaped

Told them the story of the crowd that showed up expecting to see their faces

Expecting fist to fist

And the eight who refused to go

it registered in their faces that

This shit was real

 

Each face registered acknowledgement

Each face revealed their experience

Some with the look of  having been their before

THEY had already met with the street and won

Others had the looks of boys who had no idea whether they would take the hit

run

or cry for their mothers

some of them spoke in nervous laughter

“i…. I’m calling my mommy to come pick me up!”

Others prepared their fists

The one who spoke of power spoke first

“what if they call a fair fight?”

“sometimes it takes a bigger man to know when to fight and when to just walk way”

Know when its not worth the pain and when the odds are set against you

Your power comes when you know the fight is not yours

And, as the words come out of our mouths,

We can do nothing but hope that you somehow

find those words just as powerful as the ones I read to you before

when things fall down

…the beginning of the end

Our school is falling down, it has become THAT place where teachers would rather be everywhere else– but here. It has gone from my own little piece of school-based heaven to my own little piece of school-based hell. The rose colored glasses have been removed and what’s left in its place is nothing that anyone wants to see. While there are a number of factors that could contribute to this, it’s interesting to take into consideration for a moment an analysis of the changing color of the staff. In year one, the staff was comprised of 88% teachers of color and this was they year we thrived- this was the year that I would gladly, and quickly state that I LOVE MY JOB. The following year this number changed to 65% and the dynamic began to shift– we began to see our kids become jaded and angry because all that was promised to them in these new teachers was not met. This year, the number is at a meager 40% and we are falling down. While I’m not saying that the race of our teachers is the reason our school is falling down, it is intersting to note the dynamics that currently play out in the building.

Our teachers of color are the ones that do the most around the building, we are the deans of students (the “school culture mediators”, the math coaches, the teachers that everyone calls when there is an issue with particular students” and in the midst of all this, there seems to be a sense of learned helpnesses and entitlement amongst the White members of our staff– from the very first day the question was always “what can  you do to help me?” and rarely “what can I do to help myself”. As a teacher, I’ve learned that my own greatest defense is constantly asking myself “what can I do to help myself”– sure, I can ask for all the advice and help that I can but the bottom line is, I am the one that has to implement it, I am the one that is alone in that classroom of 30 some kids. And I have done well because of this- in my own methods of clawing and digging my way out of the swampy waters, I have found my own, found my peace.

There is only so much that I can tell you to do before you have to take it on yourself. Sure, I can tell you that this particular action deserves this particular consequence but at what point do you begin to actually mend the relationship with the child that is so broken that it causes them to retailiate in your classroom? At what point do you look at the 8 different kids that sit in your class making noises and being disruptive every day do you ask yourself WHY they might be doing this and think about what it is that you can do about it. It’s like a tell my students all the time, before you throw your hands up in the air, at least show me that you’ve tried. But I can’t be this blunt with our teachers– there are fragile egos that we must watch out for and entitlement we must cater to. And while we do this, while we hold your hand and make things better for you, our school falls down and our children suffer.

It’s not about what’s best for the teachers.

and the minute we begin to think that it is-we have failed. When schools adopt systems of zero tolerance and begin to escalate children from one consequence to the next we are serving the teachers– making THEM feel better about coming into the classroom everyday knowing that the most thought you have to put into a child’s consequence is to call the Dean.

It’s not about what’s best for the teachers.

It’s become more and more clear that everything that we do is to pacify a particular group of teachers and in the meantime the remaining teachers are being asked of and asked of and asked of. The culture of the school has become such that those that are able are the ones that are asked to do and those that are unable are the ones that are pacified and aided by the ones that can. It just so happens that those that are able are the teachers of color. As our school falls apart it is the ones who do the most for this school that are being put under the magnifying lens, held to the fire, scrutinized for every step, every breath. Somehow, the burden falls on us. It’s not that other teachers aren’t doing there jobs, it’s that those that already do more than they are asked are still not doing ENOUGH– even though we stay regularly well beyond your 7- 4 pm hours – we are STILL the reason the schools is falling down. It’s not that we have teachers who cannot handle a few disruptive outbursts from particular students it’s that WE haven’t done enough to help these teachers out and since WE haven’t done “enough” OUR jobs are at stake– because WE haven’t made it EASY enough for YOU to do your job.

It’s not about what’s best for the teachers.

a good leader…

this is one i found tucked away as a draft that was started and never finished in september..

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader”

                                                                                                      - John Q. Adams

Not to say that I am necessarily a fan of the quote giver but the quote itself is quite good. It summarizes the core of my reasons for becoming and staying a teacher– the hopes that my actions, my hard work will inspire our students to be more and become more. However, none of this can be done in isolation. Every good teacher needs a good school leader who will support them and help them grow. We all know the teacher who says, “well, when the door is closed, my kids are in line, my classroom looks good and I teach a damn good lesson.” In fact, most of us have been THAT teacher. But is being THAT teacher enough? Once those kids leave your room, they once again become the victims of bad teaching and chaos. So really, how much ARE you benefiting the children you see for 45 – 60 minutes of a day? Why is it that you have to close your door while others leave them wide open for failure? School leadership. The principal, assistant principal, the veteran teacher and whoever else you see as leading your school have failed to do the job they are expected to do– LEAD.

In order to inspire a child to become more we must TRULY educate that child. This is not JUST educating him/her in one subject but in all. Truly educating a child is not JUST teaching him/her to ace that state test, get straight A’s and do a mean science project, educating that child is feeding his/her soul. Education  that feeds and shapes their character– but teachers need the vision to get there and a leader to show them the way. 

When you have a principal that says one thing and does another, teachers begin to fade and as they fade, their spirit for that classroom fades. Leadership must come from those who inspire others to be better, to want better and ultimately want better for our children. It’s easy to say “I believe all children deserve a quality education” but much harder to provide it. How do you quantify and measure a “quality education”? Does a quality education mean every child can pass a test? Does it mean that every child can write a story or perhaps a poem? Does a “quality education” allow for time to develop the child? This, I think is where leaders get lost. They create a vision of a school where all their students pass the state test, have good grades and are competitive in their own right. But ultimately, our children continue to fail in these very schools we built them up to succeed in. They fail because our leaders fail to recognize that children need more to become more. They need someone to help them discover THEIR history, to discover who they truly are, not just someone who can show them that all Reading comprehension questions have answers that are RIGHT THERE. School leaders must recognize that our children need more than just the “tips for taking the test” , school leaders know that our children deserve so much more. 

A good school leader provides this all- they have the strength to say no when things aren’t going right, the strength to truly stand for what they believe in even when the rest of the staff disagrees. Good leaders have the ability to recognize failure and seek the necessary individuals to help solve the problem if they cannot come up with a solution on their own- a good leader recognizes that they do not and should not have all the answers. And in doing all this…

A good leader is one who transforms you without you even knowing it.

kids and the holidays

to our staff:

As we finish out this week and continue to the 23rd—keep in mind that for some of our scholars the holidays are the saddest and loneliest time of year. Many of our scholars, while they put on a tough front, need to know that they are loved, appreciated and even acknowledged. Within our walls we have kids with fathers in the hospital after triple bypass surgery, kids that do not have a place to call home—going from homeless shelter to homeless shelter each night, kids who have been kicked out, disowned by their own parents, kids who don’t know where their next meal is coming from because their parents have lost their jobs, kids who do not have parents in the picture, kids who are expected to BE the parents in their household, kids who can’t understand why their parents are fighting over them, kids who have parents out of the country or parents who are leaving the country for reasons they can’t understand, kids who are in foster care and kids who are watching their own home life crumble as they put on that tough front, brave the cold and come to school each day. We are lucky to work with such a brave group of children, to have such tough kids to love, remember that sometimes school is the only place they can truly feel safe.

notes from the dean’s den part 2

another installment of our deans update:

“… teaching tugs at the heart, opens the heart, even breaks the heart—and the more one loves teaching, the more heartbreaking it can be. The courage to teach is the courage to keep one’s heart open in those very moments when the heart is asked to hold more than it is able so that teacher and students and subject can be woven into the fabric that learning, and living, require.” – Parker Palmer

As we reflect on our heart-breaking and eye-opening discussions two weeks ago it is important to remember that digging so deeply within us to places where tears flow with no hesitation takes COURAGE. It takes courage to do the jobs that we do everyday, to continue to work relentlessly to see our scholars succeed. Good teachers are those that have the courage to say “there must be another way” even when no one else deems it possible – the truly courageous do this with love and compassion. We all come from situations where a dysfunctional school forced us to close the door and fend for ourselves or fail — and failure was not an option. We all had that fire within us that made us who we are as teachers and brought us to this school because we wanted MORE. True courage recognizes when that fire is lost or has become dull and searches for ways to re-kindle it. No one is perfect. No one has all the answers but when we have the courage to ask for help, to provide help where help is needed, we begin to become the best versions of ourselves.
In our own individual searches to rekindle our fires, I encourage everyone to step into that classroom of that teacher that you have been meaning to see but never made the time to– not to judge, not to scrutinize but to look for little bits of that teacher that you can take with you, make your own and, in the process, make that fire glow just a bit stronger. And, as we do this, find the courage within ourselves to recognize that it is in our most challenging moments, our most heartbreaking times, that we have the opportunity to shine our brightest.

notes from the dean’s den

posts entitled “notes from the dean’s den” will be coming from the updates that I send out to our school staff every week. These updates are intended to inform teachers of different behavioral incidences that may have occurred over the week as well as to provide feedback on ways to maintain a positive school culture. In an effort to better galvanize teacher morale I’ve begun including a “words of wisdom” section at the beginning of each update to encourage self-reflection. Because we all know that a teacher’s biggest and often most difficult job is to consistently self-reflect.

These are the words from the last two weeks:

11.16.08

“Kids emphasize how much a teacher’s fairness in response to social forces matter to them. They want you to include them in the conversation and to treat them with equal respect. They care that you reward their efforts, regarding their missteps as learning opportunities, not occasions for humiliating them.”

- from Fires in the Middle School Bathroom

As we continue on our climb this week and implement the new reflection desks in each of our classrooms, lets remember that these desks create opportunities where our scholars can learn from their mistakes and are not a means of humiliation. As good teachers we should always be searching for that “teachable moment” where we show our scholars the difference between rational and irrational– caring and uncaring. Remember that all children begin life by learning through imitation of the adults surrounding them- this is a method of learning that never really goes away. As the adults in their lives, we must remember that anything we do can and WILL always manifest itself in our scholars.

11.03.08

“I embrace my vested interested in my work and argue that it makes me a more passionate and effective educator than someone who has only book knowledge. As teachers and researchers, we are taught to be objective; to teach what we know, not who we are. But all teaching is autobiographical.”  – Monique Redeux

As we reflect on our own “teacher persona” the fact that our children are truly a reflection of our character should remain in the forefront of our minds — we must ask ourselves how WE are teaching our scholars through our OWN autobiographies. Just how much of ourselves are we letting shine through when we teach? How much of ourselves are we allowing our scholars to become?